-Dennis

Bob sez:
No...just some bozo trying to horn in on my fabulousness. d.b.

Bob sez:
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw. d.b.

Bob sez:
Jennifer, my name is Bob, and I am 1006 years old. As you are now 18, you have reached the age of consent, and are now eligible to become an official Bob Zombie. Just say the word...or type the word...and your indoctrination can begin. As a zombie, you will be issued a number and eventually an assignment when my zombie army takes over the world.
Till then, d.b.

Jennifer replies:
Haha sorry Bob, and might I say you look very good for your age. I hope I'm not bothering you or anything, you're just hilarious! Please tell me if I am bothering you because I'd feel so guilty =). I'd love to be a zombie, and I will await your instruction, haha. Please don't stop doing T.R.F. because you're just too witty not to, and plus I want to see you next year. It'll really upset me if I don't get to take a picture with you. Oh, and say hi to Smuj for me!
-Jen

Bob sez:
Jennifer,
I would love to perform at T.R.F. again, however I am expecting that neo-fascists within the u.s. government are planning another 'terrorist attack' in order to establish martial law.
I am predicting this will happen not long before the 2008 election.
This will result in fuel rationing and other limits to travel, and life in the u.s. will be very different than it is now. I HOPE I AM WRONG, but the scum-bags who are currently running the show have proven over and over again that they are willing to lie, cheat and kill for their control-freak policies. Sorry to get so serious, but this is how the Nazis started. It's time everybody wakes up and smells the fascism. Here's a website you can check out for more details of the coming police state:

http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/

d.b.

Bob sez:
Bill, I don't like bringing current politics into a renfaire setting either, but in an insane world, insanity is a legitimate response. Next year, I'll throw in some insults for the spineless democraps too. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks, Annabelle. Stay in school, and spread the word (about the government - don't tell anyone about me.) d.b.

Bob sez:
For 'vice' president I was thinking maybe Heidi Fleiss. d.b.

Bob sez:
Maybe you should just get there earlier and get a decent seat, miss maddie-smarty-face. d.b.

Bob sez:
Blane, now that you've been bobmotized, and have pledged your fealty, I can issue you your zombie number: 4772898. Your duties for overthrowing the capitalist pig neo-fascists and turning the planet into a fantasy theme park will be forwarded at an appropriate time. Your instructions will be specific and coordinated with your particular skill-set. If you fail, you'll ruin everything, so bone-up, and be flawless. d.b.

Bob sez:
I better be... I'm getting paid. d.b.

Bob sez:
Lee,

I'm curious, are you bothered by ANY contemporary political content, or the stuff specifically about the neo-fascist administration currently occupying the whitehouse?
Truth be told, the current crop of cut-throat-capitalists are simply worse liars than the last bunch.
Clinton did his share of handing the world over to corporate thieves, he just did it more slickly.
The entire government [both parties] has been over-run by bottom-line-brained, corporate toadies [see rupert murdoch] and pseudo-christian extremists [see pat robertson]. Certainly there are a few exceptions, but they are marginalized by the corporate press.
Since 9/11 [provoked and enabled by the rumsfeld/cheney admin] I've spent a large portion of my free time [which I have tons of] learning about the darkside of u.s. foreign policy. Here's a definition for you:

American Interests...resources outside u.s. borders.

The united states government has been invading and plundering any nation, with resources, that is either too weak or too ignorant to resist. And legions of ignorant pawns line up to serve as tools. I find it beneath contempt that people volunteer to terrorize, maim and kill people they know little or nothing about so exxon executives can play golf 365 days a year. All of the bullshit about 'spreading democracy' is so easily debunked with a minimum of effort.
The u.s. spreading something, but it ain't democracy.
Another definition:

"Spreading Democracy"...privatization.

The u.s. has been propping up scumbag dictators and slaughtering millions of innocent human beings for hundreds of years in order to make the planet safe for private sector plundering. It makes me sick to my stomach to pay taxes to these murderers. But don't take my word for it, do some research for yourself. Here's a few websites to get you started:

http://www.zmag.org/CrisesCurEvts/interventions.htm

http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Zinn/PeoplesHistory_Zinn.html

For more contemporary articles go here:

http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Fisk_Robert/Robert_Fisk_page.html

To be completely honest, I'd rather not have to do this kind of material...but extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. I doubt I'll change anyone's mind, but there are millions of us out there who need to know that there are others who see the insanity of what's happening. I'd rather not stand by and watch the military industrial goons turn the planet into a toxic waste-dump.

So, I'm speaking out in my little corner of the world.

Sincerely, d.b.

Bob sez:
Gayelynne, I remember every patron I ever farted on...I wouldn't bathe for a week or two if I were you. d.b.

Bob sez:
Mike Mickey - what a great moniker. That must have been fun growing up. Oh, and thanks for making smuj feel like a grampa...as if he's not enough of a whiny grump-o-saurus already. d.b.

Bob sez:
I don't have any pictures to send...just download one of the pictures off the website and sign it yourself, and then tell everyone I signed it in person...they'll never know the difference. d.b.

Bob sez:
Tracy, I wuv you too. Especially when you show that cleavage... d.b.

Bob sez:
yes squared. d.b.

Bob sez:
If the English language were all that fascist asshole was destroying, I'd be a much happier ex-human. smuj is, as yet, not fully retired... he's semi-retired. Who knows, he may have another twenty years left in him... presuming the american police-state hasn't thrown all dissidents in prison. d.b.

Bob sez:
Dear Southern Bells,
If this is some kind of come on so your whole group can get my private info and come over to my house and sex me and smuj up well you're barking up the wrong tree. [try the paper elm in the back yard] This is outrageous! I've a mind to call all of your husbands and invite them to watch. d.b.

Bob sez:
Sorry, Debbie-doodle,
I have to get off the stage early after my last show, because my normally one hour time slot gets cut to a half hour.
Please write a letter to the festival and demand that they:
1. Give ded bob a minimum of 45 minutes for his shows, and
2. Send him back to the Odeon stage, because at the Globe, a quarter of the audience is looking at the back of smuj's hand.
Thanks, d.b.
P.S. You can get ded bob schwag here: http://www.dedbob.com/getstuf.htm

Bob sez:
Tanx for the pix - though all I need is more competion... d.b.

Bob sez:
Ellie Snape,
I want to make it clear that I think doing political humor at the renaissance festival SUCKS. I would hate seeing it done by anyone else, and would ridicule them for doing it... and yet I'm doing it. I guess it is an INSANE response to an INSANE government. I want to officially apologize for not doing a better job of trying to stop the world wide train wreck that is surely coming our way.
It's happening in slow motion... for now... which is why anyone who is as alarmed as they should be is still held to be a paranoid or a conspiracy theorist. But it is also accelerating at an exponential rate, and the percentage of humanity that understands this is very small, and the level of misinformation, disinformation, ignorance is huge and growing.
Here is one of my favorite websites: www.thirdworldtraveler.com
Sorry for the crappy vibes, but one thing that makes me what I am is the desire to destroy the polite ignorance that is the united states of america.
d.b.

Bob sez:
He's not a ventriloquist, he's a dummy.

Squarepants replies:
ha ha that's funny but really why do you have a mask over your face? and dont say hes a dummy because ive been to the NC ren fest and i know you control Bob

Bob sez:
You've got it backwards... bob controls smuj and sluj.

Squarepants replies:
ok fine "Bob" why does your pupet have a mask on

Bob sez:
So you can't see his lips move.
Here's how it works, I [Bob] am essentially a spirit... non-corporeal... disembodied. I choose weak-minded people who are easily dominated and "use" their bodies. So far I've had little success in finding anyone who is physically presentable enough to simply inhabit. None of the dummies I' ve picked is better looking than I am... even though I'm dead. So I put masks on them and have them carry me around instead... get it?

Squarepants replies:
o so there is two diferent people that Bob is controling smuj and sluj ?

Bob sez:
bingo

Squarepants replies:
and aparently puj and nuj

Bob sez:
bob can be in two or more places at the same time

Squarepants replies:
if there are more than 1 people operating how many Bob's are there

Bob sez:
one bob....many dummies.

Squarepants replies:
o cool now i can leave you alone

Bob sez:
actually, as this conversation is going to the dig bob page of my website, it gave me a good chance to explain the whole scenario. d.b.

Bob sez:
Roger,
Sorry for the delay. I'd could lie and say that I've been busy, but the truth is, it's simply another example of my dummy's sloth. Nice to know my humor has the moxie to hop the big pond and turn a grin in jolly ole'... I did visit the Nottingham 'Robin Hood' festival around 15 or so years ago... it was iffy. It was a more family-oriented faire, and I'm afraid my level of ribald was a bit too 'close to the bone'.
Hope to see you here again...presuming the fascists in washington d.c. haven't declared martial law and shut the borders. d.b.

Bob sez:
smuj is 'semi'-retired. He's doing two complete shows and occasional appearances at others.

Bob sez:
It's like I'm looking into an orange mirror. I am truly flattered... and smuj is... well... drooling, actually. Thanks for the tribute Becca; I'll pass the pix on to my webguy. d.b.

Bob sez:
Well, if you have to have a hero, I'm glad it's me... I'll keep you centered and hip to the crap. Keep checking the website and especially the smartbombs link for bits of truth about the coming chaos. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks yourself for bobbing others as you are bobbed yourself. d.b.

Bob sez:
Lady Jinx, I'm afraid the position of #1 fan has been taken. As have #2 through #4283372629. You'll have to either settle for #4283372630, or prove your worthiness to jump ahead. I am forbidden to tell you what you need to do to jump ahead you'll have to be very creative. See you next time, d.b.

Bob sez:
Regan, thanks...stay in school. d.b.

Bob sez:
10. I come pre-assassinated.
  9. You can call me president bone-head to my face.
  8. I will appoint an all female cabinet, including the brand new "Secretary of Yumminess."
  7. If I get any action in the oval office, it will be streamed live on the internet.
  6. Even empty-headed, I'm smarter than the spoiled brat who is there now.
  5. Free Beer!
  4. My creamy complexion looks great on camera.
  3. Nuclear - n.u.c.l.e.a.r. Nuclear.
  2. I will levy a 99% tax on oil executives and weapons dealers and give the money to teachers and nurses.
 ...and the number 1 reason to vote for Ded Bob...
  1. Cuz you been Bobmotized.

Bob sez:
Calee, that's a great name...how do you pronounce it? d.b.

Calee replies:
Bob - uh... well its like the State. *Cali*fornia. except its obviously not spelled the same. =D
-Calee

Bob sez:
If I finish everything else I want to do... a considerable list, mind you... I will petition California to change the spelling to 'Caleefornia'. d.b.

Bob sez:
Teri, I'll be there. d.b.

Bob sez:
Well, that was so nice, that I can't even give you my standard smart-ass response. I've seen you lurking....you....you....lurker. You keep that up, and you'll get a reputation. Thanks for the good wishes, I'll pass them on to the appropriate entities. d.b.

Bob sez:
Why thankee miss Jaimie, I'm glad you enjoyed the festival and the ded bob sho. As for 'picking you', if you're young enough for me to have told you to say "puberty" during your picture, I'm afraid you'll have to wait a few years to be picked for the show. Unfortunately, there are these silly social norms that get people all bent out of shape about. But your time will come, missy... your time will come. d.b.

Bob sez:
Ashley, I was crushed when you refused to marry me, but I suppose I am a bit too old... 1006 to be honest. I'm glad you enjoyed the show, and maybe next year, when you are older, we can reconsider a betrothal? d.b.

Bob sez:
D & J, thanks for the kind words. This was a great season in Michigan... the best in a long time. See you next year. d.b.

Bob sez:
Flattery will get you bonked, young man. I have assigned you zombie number 34453R. You'll be contacted later as to your duties. All of your hottie friends are now mine, and I will expect them next year at the sho.
Don't eat poop.
d.b.

Bob sez:
Of course I'll marry you but you should know that I'm a total polygamist. I have wives of every age, nationality, color, size and shape. I usually marry my zombies after the show during the photo sessions.
As for your being IN the show.... If I had my druthers... it's a word, look it up... I'd give every zombie that comes to the show their fifteen minutes of fame. Alas, there are so many zombies and only so many shows. However, I aim to please, so - please send a picture of said 'bosom' so I can identify it when you show up at the sho. I can't make any promises; we'll just have to wait and see. d.b.

Bob sez:
DAM U ZOMBIE PETE!!!!!
You have shat on zombie behavioral priority number 10028! You have insulted me, and all bob-zombiedom! This is almost unforgivable, but you do have one way out of eternal shame and humiliation: Say fourteen 'Our Bobs' and nine 'Hail Bonkers'.

The reasons:
10. He comes pre-assassinated.
  9. You can call him 'President Bonehead' to his face.
  8. He'll appoint an all-female Cabinet... including the brand new "Secretary of Yumminess."
  7. If he gets any action in the oval office, it'll be streaming live on the internet.
  6. Even empty-headed, he's smarter than the spoiled-brat, wannabe-dictator that is there now.
  5. Free-beer!
  4. His creamy complexion looks great on camera.
  3. Nuclear: N-U-C-L-E-A-R....(pronounced, "noo-klee-er").
  2. He will levy a 99.9% tax on oil executives and weapons dealers, and give the money to teachers and  nurses.
And the number one reason to vote for Ded Bob:
  1. Cuz you been Bobmotized!

Bob sez:
How about a photo of these said "bresticles", so I'll know what to look for? d.b.

Bob sez:
Tracy, calm down dear. There's always your memories, presuming your lack of Bob doesn't send you spiraling into alcoholism and memory blackouts. And even if it does, you'll be too drunk to care, so hey... cheer up.
It's smuj that's SEMI-retiring, not me [Bob]. And florida's only a looooong days drive from the texas festival, so drink a gallon or two of coffee, load up the kids and come to Texas, the land of meat and money. d.b.

Bob sez:
Bless you, Zombie Bill. Your zombie number is B43556 - DON'T LOSE IT!! It will cost you $43 to replace it. d.b.

Bob sez:
Crystal, I'm a myspace boob. Sorry, no friending for you. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks, me. See ya next year. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks for bringing new meat...my appetite has not diminished, regardless of my diminished physique. d.b.

Bob sez:
Ah yes, the teen-age angst-ridden days of post-puberty. When I [Bob] was eighteen, it was still the dark ages and the world was ruled by fanatical religious insane people... sound familiar?
p.s: when smuj was eighteen, he was eating bugs for beer money. d.b.

Bob sez:
I'll be there. They put me back on the Globe Stage...the one near the front gate...again. So, I'll see you there. d.b.

Bob sez:
Kara,
In all honesty, I don't specifically recall doing any "ass jokes". I suppose it's possible that, living in america, where such scatalogical humor is considered high comedy, it is understandable that you may have mistaken one of my urbane quips as an "ass joke"; however, I assure you, madam, it would have been entirely a quirk of your base, sports-bar intellect, and no invention of my own.
Carry on smashing butterflies or whatever it is to which your email-moniker infers.
Good day, madam...and there's an end.
d.b.

PS. your DVD is amazing. I also bought the bumper sicker, and put it on one of my bike bags. I get so many questions about it, and I am more than happy to spread forth the wonder that is Ded Bob so that all the world knows of your glorious-ness. I am planning the perchase of a tee shirt this coming weekend. ^_^

Bob sez:
Lelah, et al - Oh, to be twenty again...
By the way, smuj my original dummy will be otherwise engaged for the rest of the Colorado Festival, so be aware that when you return, I'll have a higher voice and a more energetic manipulator. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks for tipping me off to that oversight.
Bob will NOT be appearing at 'King Richard's Faire" this year. He will be doing the full run at the Michigan Renaissance Festival as well as at the Silverleaf Festival in Michigan. d.b.

Bob sez:
Amanda,
Thank you so much for your wonderful letter. It is so sweet, I can't even be sarcastic. Tell Cash I'll see him next fall, and be sure to give him plenty of 'cash' for tips. d.b.

Bob sez:
Tiffany, my number two dummy, 'sluj' will soon have a dvd out and available here: http://www.dedbob.com/getstuf.htm Be the first on your block... d.b.

Bob sez:
Very well, Zombie Megan.
At some time in the future, you and the rest of my zombie forces will be called upon to overthrow the fascist/corporate state and join with your leader....me....in bringing about the new world dis-order. The code word is 'bonk'....wait for it. d.b.

Bob sez:
Christine, the only reason you haven't been a Bob Zombie is because I can't pick every deserving devotee...there simply aren't enough shows. Hang in there, baby...you've certainly got the "right stuff". d.b.

Bob sez:
Maybe next year scarborough will wise up. d.b.

Bob sez:
Bless you minion...I'll pass this on to sluj. d.b.

Bob sez:
She's a capital C Cutie. They grow up so fast...she'll be out of the nest and her own bob zombie before you know it. d.b.

Bob sez:
Ray,
I've been away from the pooter for a few weeks and can't remember if I already responded to this or not. In any case, all suggestions for new material are bundled with other suggestions, and after a rigorous perusal by a panel of seasoned/cynical judges are dumped in the 'considered suggestions' bin. This should not be considered a rebuke, but rather a mass rejection...not that there's any difference.
d.b.

Bob sez:
Fuzz, the dvd is being edited as we speak. We're working with a different film company, so I'm not sure about their production speed. Keep checking the website...there should be an announcement when it is released. d.b.

Bob sez:
Si! d.b.

Bob sez:
I have initiated legal action against 'subway' and it's subsidiaries as well as anyone else who repeats the copywrited term "badonkabonk". If you haven't received a notarized supoena within eight working days from this email, I'm firing my law firm. d.b.

Bob sez:
I'm afraid so. How close are you to flint, michigan? I'll be there in mid august (a much better festival thant 'glmf') d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks for the kind words. I'm waiting for my contract, but barring anything drastic happening, I'll see you next October. d.b.

Bob sez:
smuj is scheduled to be at the AZ show for the last two weekends. Thanks for the feedback. d.b.

Bob sez:
Thanks, Kevin. I'm mostly retired from ren festivals now. I might have to leave the u.s. altogether. I don't want to live in a fascist country. d.b.

Bob sez:
As of today, I'm planning to do the last two weekends. It's not definite yet, but I'd say 76% chance. d.b.

Bob sez:
thanks for the tip, I'll sue her for illegal use of my trademarked name. d.b.
[kidding]

Bob sez:
You are correct, ded bob has been dropped from the cast of the 2007 Scarborough faire. Please write nasty letters to the management and accuse them of stupidity and what the hell, accuse them of murder. That'll teach 'em to mess with bob. d.b.

Bob sez:
Disapointment builds character. d.b.

Bob sez:
Jon, no plans to do bristol in the near future. I did that fair about six or seven years ago and wasn't terribly well received. But who knows - stay tuned to the website. d.b.