Letters to the DEDitor - the Ded Bob Wed Paj

Hey Zombies! Does your effluvient out-pouring of love for Bob need venting? Well, here's your chance. Email Ded Bob your love/hate correspondence and let the world know how you feel.

Note: Unless otherwise instructed, your missive will be posted (eventually, unless it's lost in cyberspace) on the website.

Date: 08/20/10 Subject: omg
ha i really love your show and ded bob! thats you right! ha im taking my friend to the ren fest in michigan just to see you! and were going to sit in the front row to see your show! and im making my zombie mom buy me a t-shirt! bonk!
-Rowan Kobylansky

Bob sez:
You better buy six shirts, or I'll rip out your teeth and bite you with them! d.b.

Date: 08/09/10 Subject: NY Renfaire '10
Hey Bob!,
First of all, you're awesome. I was up at Sterling this past weekend and enjoyed your show very much. You actually called me on stage in your 5:30 show on Saturday, zombie #2. Considering most people usually get up there and act like retards, I figured I would do my best...I think my riverdance surprised most haha. We should all take a page out of your book a remind ourselves that life shouldn't be so serious.... Ya gotta laugh and have a good time or else we'll end up ...well, dead!
Anyway...Keep up the good work man!
-Chris Pittaro

Bob sez:
So, you think you're pretty proud of yourself, eh? "Riverdance", at a Ded Bob Sho? What's next, the Watusi at your Uncle's wake? There was a time when people showed some respect for classical theater, but NOOOOOO, Mr. Happy Feet feels the need to shuffle his feet and stomp all over a show that normally runs as precisely as a Swiss watch. Well see if you're ever picked as an audience patsy...er...volunteer again bucko.
Kidding, thanks for being a good sport,
d.b.

Date: 07/23/10 Subject: fan mail
Hello again, my darling Ded Bob,
It's me, your stalker and X-fling... The kids (Sick, and Twisted) are fine and send their love. I just wanted to let you know that I like your new web site very much, and that I'll be visiting you at the Renaissance Festival in Holly on Labor day weekend.
Say Hi to Clark (I mean Smuj) for me. This is the first I've heard the names sluj, puj and nuj. Are those the aliases he goes by when in GA, AZ, etc? By the way... he wasn't upset when he found out that he was NOT in the sex dreams I've been having about you, was he? He must understand that he can't go with you EVERYWHERE.
Passionate Kisses,
-Your Adoring Lonnie

Bob sez:
Lonnnie,
sluj, puj, nuj, and gruj, are all actually different....uh....loosely speaking...humans. I decided a few years ago that smuj was going to have to be 'put out to pasture', so to speak. I began recruiting new dummies here and there, and so far it has worked out....well like crap mostly...but I'm still hoping for some improvement down the road. As for smuj being upset about your sex dreams, his sex life is pretty much all a dream anyway, so he can have his own fantasies without burdening you. d.b.

Date: 07/04/10 Subject: Great Lakes Medieval Faire
Dear Ded Bob,
Please re-unincarnate at the Great Lakes Medieval Faire in Ohio. We still are haunted by your last de-souled visitation and would love the pain again!
~fair evenings and mornings merry~
-Bill and Susie Burlingame

Bob sez:
Bill and Susie,
Alas, one of my dummies who shall remain nameless [starts with an s, ends with a j] may have burned a bridge at that festival. After some time has passed, who knows, we may be able to grace your woods again, till then, keep checking the website for news and gear.
d.b.

Date: 06/09/10 Subject: Hey Ded Bob!
Hello, I saw you at the Georgia Ren Fest! (I'm the crazy chick with a purple tank top and rainbow socks with boots, you asked if I was 18, then my mom took a picture of you, with me and my boyfriend of a year and five months.)
I have a question. What is the proper response to the question at the beginning of your site? It's like "HEY AUDIENCE!" and then a text box "your response, then click here" But whatever I type it says "Hey, you're dumber than moose poop, etc" So what is the right answer? Or is it just set up to do that even if you do type in the right answer? And you should make studio recordings of your songs, especially the Dysfunctional Farm song. That would totally make my life and I would listen to it nonstop until I get old and senile and the nursing home staff take away my mp3 player because I was singing the song while trying to run people over in my power chair, which would also be confiscated.
Anyway, I love you, you're awesome beyond belief, and I hope to see you again at the next Ren Fest.
Hearts,
-Mele (that's pronounced like Melly, by the way.)

Bob sez:
Mele,
"Hey What?" is the proper response.
On the music cd...even if I did every song I've ever sung, the cd would be only 5 minutes long at the most. But I'll think about it.
d.b.

Date: 05/14/10 Subject: :\
Hey ded bob, I accidently went to your show once, after you said that it was rarely appropriate for children I asked my mom if we could leave, and we saw someone leave and you were all over them, so we decided not to, and later I asked again and it happened again and my mom said, and these EXACT WORDS, "I'm kind of scared to."
Bottom line is, you hitted on my mom and freaked me out with your toothless skull.
-Marenthia

Bob sez:
Marenthia,
My deepest, sincerest apologies for your trauma.
My number two dummy, sluj, is somewhat of a loose cannon. I've scolded him numerous times about harassing people for leaving, but he seems to be less than cooperative. Alas, all I can do is reprimand him once more and hope that it sticks this time.
Again, I apologize, and I hope your mother can get past this and live out the rest of her life in relative comfort.
d.b.

Date: 03/30/10 Subject: Your Show
Hello Mr. Bob,
I was present at the AZ Renaissance Festival and saw your show. As a trained psychological professional, I must say that I find several disturbing patterns in your behavior. First, your constant need to ridicule people. Your own, beloved audience! This clearly shows a deep-seated insecurity; perhaps the person, "Ned", you make fun of, is a person that you always pick because you can tell just by looking at him that you are insanely jealous! For more information on your psychological problems and insecurities, please contact your nearest therapist.
Sincerely,
-a professional

Bob sez:
Dear "professional",
I read your letter, and I have come to the conclusion that you are only three feet tall and walk with a limp. Your bottom lip sags nearly to your nipples and your mother thinks you're too lethargic. You come to the Renaissance Festival to meet chicks, and I don't mean women, I mean baby chickens. If you don't do something soon about your infected toe, you'll likely have to amputate your torso.
sincerely, d.b

Date: 03/15/10 Subject: Always enjoy the show and I have a question
Dear Smuj,
Friends, family and I have enjoyed your show for years at the Arizona Ren Faire. We noticed a while back that you don't seem to be the same Smuj as before, a little lighter and taller, than before - did you get replaced by Bob with another?
Have a great day and keep up the fun show,
-Catherine, a senior who enjoys your shows

Bob sez:
Catherine,
O, how the lowly have fallen...even further into an ignorant, blissful abyss of sloth and debauchery.
"smuj" is pretty well washed up.
I was lucky to get 20 years use of his dimwitted carcass as it is. The taller, lighter, and may I say, ironically, prettier "sluj" is my new surrogate/conveyance, and he's a bit more difficult to manipulate. However, as you've attested, he seems to be doing well and most importantly, I, Ded Bob, continue on, growing The Ded Bob phenomenon will continue long after smuj, my first, original dummy, has passed on...scary eh?
There's more about all of this here: http://www.dedbob.com/news.htm#newbob
d.b.

Date: 03/09/10 Subject: 1st timer
Dear Ded Bob,
This was my first time attending the AZ Ren Fest but growing up in AZ I've always heard about it from friends and such who have always gone. The one thing everybody mentions when I've talked to them about it is 'The Ded Bob Sho' and I just had to make sure I didn't miss it when I finally came to the Fest. I was not disapointed. I was there with my hopefully soon to be girlfriend, another couple, and two other guys. My HS2B girlfriend has been going for many years and was excited for us to see your show. In fact, first thing she did was look up the times that you were gonna be on stage so we could figure out how to see everything we wanted to. I loved every minute of your show and I really wish that Zombie 1 would have jumped more and that her and Zombie 3 would have made out. Maybe next year huh?? I can not wait to see your show again. I am going to have to be a yearly attender (if that's even a word) now. Till next year...
-Clark T. Rowland

Bob sez:
Thanks for coming out, Clark (and that's an excellent name), but you'll never make her your girl while I'm around - I'm too much competition... d.b.

Date: 03/04/10 Subject: Just giving props!
Went to your 4:00 show in Az Last weekend (Sat 2-27-10). Just had to say that was the best comedic show I've seen ever! You rocked my world! It helped that you had picked a girl who went along well with the show. Just had to let you know you are very great talent. Thank you so much for brightening my day.
-Elizabeth Selman

Bob sez:
Elizabeth, you are clearly a woman with excellent taste...so what on earth are you doing at a renaissance festival? Just askin'.
d.b.

Elizabeth replied:
Well... it was my first time to any kind of renaissance themed festival. What a blast I had. The people were a kick to see. What gypsies! I felt totally at home! But the icing on my day there, was you, and your show. I felt like a groupie and wanted to meet you so bad, but you were no where to be found. Disappointing to say the least :-) How brilliant your form of comedy is. Involving the audience is always a good thing. You seem to feed off of them. Ive been watching other shows of yours on you tube. All great. Please post more! Where are you going next? Just curious. By the way Im a single Mom and not a nut job I assure you. Im thrilled to have heard back from you. I am a true fan. So thank you ye ole ded bob!
-Elizabeth

Bob sez:
It's always the 'nut jobs' who claim they aren't nut jobs. Like me for instance. thanks for your fan-dome - d.b.

Date: 03/03/10 Subject: AZ festival
Hey ded bob & smuj!
I really enjoyed the show at the Arizona Renaissance festival this past > weekend!!!! The whole family did enjoy and will remember the show it for a long time. We traveled from northwest region of New Mexico to Phoenix for the festival and were surprised to know that you were there (first time at the festival)!! We attended 2 shows and now all the kids continue to say "hey audience" or look into the hollowed eyes, the scowling during the "bonker" bobitizer (creating zombies)....... Again, my family and I do thank you for such a great performance!
-Aldon Francisco, The Francisco Family, Tohatchi, New Mexico

Bob sez:
Next time bring your neighbors, and your neighbors' neighbors... d.b.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.