Letters to the DEDitor - the Ded Bob Wed Paj

Hey Zombies! Does your effluvient out-pouring of love for Bob need venting? Well, here's your chance. Email Ded Bob your love/hate correspondence and let the world know how you feel.

Note: Unless otherwise instructed, your missive will be posted (eventually, unless it's lost in cyberspace) on the website.

Date: 08/22/09 Subject: Schedule question
Hi Ded Bob!
I saw recently on one of the festival forums that your appearance at Louisiana ren fest for this year has been announced. The person who made this statement said that you would not be at the Texas Renaissance Festival on its final weekend (Thanksgiving). I was saddened to hear this because I will be attending that weekend and want to see your show. It is my belief that you have superhuman abilities and could possibly be in two places at one time with the assistance of smuj and another assistant. So... will you be at TRF on Thanksgiving weekend this year? If not... perhaps its not too late for me to work another date for our visit. My family and I would love to see you!
Thanks,
-Martin Petkovsek

Bob sez:
Martin, I will be at TRF on Thanksgiving weekend with my dummy smuj. I will also be in Louisiana with my dummy sluj. Don't ask how I am able to do this...any attempt to explain it would only hurt your brain. d.b.

Date: 08/22/09 Subject: Hi
Hey ded bob. I just seen your show today @ the Michigan renaissance festival. Great act again this year by the way! Hope to see you again next year with some new material! Thanks again for the entertainment!
-Amanda W.

Bob sez:
Amanda, what will you make with your new material? A skirt? A hat? Can't wait to see what you come up with. I'll see you when you get back to watch my standard, classic show...you'll take it and like it. d.b.

Date: 08/15/09 Subject: Mr. DED BOB BOB BOB BOB
You are friggen amazin wil' bones wit a awesome dummmmmmmmmmy! I hope to come back to the renaissance fair in 2 years when i have my awesome pirate costume finished and watch your sillyness. I watch you on the internet and laugh my ass off, while my brother has a friend over and looks at me like every couple mins and is like what the hell you laughin at. I noticed you dont have a twitter account............................ Make one please!!!!!!!!!!! I like follow you then die of laughing!
DB YOU AMAAAAZINGGGGG
-Kimberly Guerette

Bob sez:
Kimberly, you should take note that neither the Ded Bob Sho, nor any of it's affiliates, can be held responsible for the loss of your ass due to laughing. If you should, "die of laughing" the Ded Bob Sho will disavow any accountability for your condition. If you insist on pursuing legal action, we will refer you to our team of attorneys at Dewey, Smakum and Butts.
Sincerely, d.b.

Date: 08/07/09 Subject: Great Lakes Renaissance Festival
Hey Ded Bob
I was part of your audience at the Texas Renaissance festival several years and once finding out you were there, would not miss it for the world!! I just love ye olde tyme humour and after checking out your website at the time, you were also appearing at the Great Lakes Festival. I'm checking their website this year and I don't seem to find you - what's up??
Would love to know when you are appearing at this one (if you will in the future) as I would travel all the way from Canada to see you - I just love your show and your view on politics, etc...lol
Wish you could come to Canada, I have to believe your humour would be totally appreciated!:O)
-Dee

Bob sez:
Dee, Funny you should ask. There is a very good chance that I'll be at the Great Lakes Show next year. Be aware, if the Bob Sho comes to Great Lakes, it will be with a different dummy than the one you know from Texas. Keep an eye on the website schedule. d.b.

Date: 07/29/09 Subject: You...are... AWSOME!!! haha
Hey Bob, I have been watching your shows since I was 15. It made me laugh everytime :D I have brought my friends every year, everyshow I have been able to see! You make the Ren Fair memorable. Even before my mother passed away (she was a devoute fan) we would never miss it ;). Keep it up! you always keep you audience laughing till our sides hurt! thank you for the laughs. You cant find them anywhere else :P
See you in Michigan!
-Sasha Zein, Devout Fan Jr.

Bob sez:
Thank you Devout Fan Jr.
Sorry about your mother, smuj lost his mom at 13.
Also, sorry about your sides.
See you in Michigan. d.b.

Date: 07/19/09 Subject: Renaissance festival.
Hey Bob,
Two days before my birthday was the first time i've seen your show. You're funny as hell!!! This is a link for one of your ded bob fan groups. Sadly, there weren't nearly enough. If you ever need help Bobitizing the rest of the world, let me know, I'm in public relations. I LOVE YOU BOB!!
-Ashley Collins

Bob sez:
Ashley,
I quote, "You're funny as hell!!!!" Although you failed to capitalize 'hell', may I presume that you meant the famous 'Hell' oft mentioned in the 'New Testament' of the 'Bible'? If so, I highly doubt that existing in 'Hell' is particularly funny. In fact, if one is to take your comment literally, one might be moved to conclude that you found my show agonizing, tortuous, eternally painful for the REST OF TIME!
No doubt you intend to sue, 'ded bob productions', "...for every penny you've got!" Gosh, where have I heard that before? [imagine voice dripping with sarcasm.]
Well, get in line sister!. Every fifth patron in the gate dreams up some pathology after having attended the Ded Bob Sho.
"I laughed so hard it hurt."
"I spit a rib, laughing at your show."
"I laughed my ass off!" [I would think she'd have been grateful...you should have seen that ass.]
"I laughed my head off!" [Oh, for pete's sake, who could believe that! And who would be able to send me a whiny email without their head?!]
So, bring it on miss lady. There's no more money here...the well is dry....you're beating a dead...dead guy.
I hope you're all happy, all you parasites with an ax to grind. One of my dummies, smuj, is living in near exile as a result of the repeated trauma of endless litigation. His nerves are shot, and he now believes that the *Illuminati* are after him, and won't come out from under the bed. Don't people talk to each other anymore? Don't people tell each other that the show is SUPPOSED to be funny?
Or...
If you didn't mean your comment literally....never mind. d.b.

Bob followz up - "Satire is ded":
Ashley, apparently, I'm too convincing for my own good. I posted my rant to you on my facebook page and I got a torrent of responses chastising me for abusing someone who was trying to compliment me. Honestly, it was so over the top, I don't know how anyone could have taken it seriously, but more than a few people have done just that. For the record, I was kidding. I think you, at least, realized that.
sincerely, d.b.

Date: 06/30/09 Subject: I LOVE YOU DED BOB
Ded Bob,
I have to say that, even though through out your show those snot nosed little ankle biters were screaming all through your show, i love you...i have been permanantly BOBMOTIZED...though...i am still waiting on our mud wrestling match that you said we were going to have...you were one of the best parts of the Ga Ren Fest. I cant wait to see you and i guess we can say Smuj too...
-R.D.S

Bob sez:
Are you happy?
That was "sluj" you saw in Georgia, NOT smuj.
Crushed!
You've crushed sluj's heart, mistaking him for the vacant, used-up smuj.
I hope for your sake, that he'll be able to work next weekend, because, you've never seen...never HEARD of lawyers like my lawyers: Driller, Bilkem & Scratch. If sluj misses twelve seconds this weekend, they'll be on you like a filthy rich banker on a government bailout.
Good Luck, d.b.

Date: 06/23/09 Subject: Wisconsin Renaissance Faire
Hey Bob...didn't see the Bristol Renaissance Faire on your schedule. Does that mean I have to go Bobless this summer?
-Debbie Rymko

Bob sez:
Fraid so.
smuj f'd up last year and missed a show. I'm not particularly fond of the security regime at that show...too many control freaks. I'll be in Michigan in late August. Come see me there. d.b.

Date: 05/02/09 Subject: hey Dead Bob!
Ok sorry, I had to do that...
I was looking to buy your Roast from MiRF this year. Heard it was supposed to be on your website. I was wondering if it was a limited copy, or if it wasn't finished yet/hadn't made it to the website yet. Please send a letter and let me know. Thanks.
Sincerely,
-Patrick, Another Jack-ass Pirate

Bob sez:
It's still being edited by a world-class procrastinator. Keep watching the website. d.b.

Date: 04/27/09 Subject: Tex RenFest Pic
Hey Bob, Love your show. Look forward to seeing you in October. Here's a picture of us at Texas Ren Fair last year (with Smuj). Have a great summer.
Sincerely,
-Christine

Bob sez:
Christine,
smuj needs an...how can I put this delicately....an 'outlet'. I showed him your photo, and he hasn't stopped primping since. Of course he can primp from now until doomsday, and he'll still look and smell like the business end of a warthog. Think it over, you can close your eyes and imagine he's Sean Connery. d.b.

Date: 03/30/09 Subject: A thank you...
Smuj,
I wanted to drop you a note with a little story. I had attended the AZ Faire a week ago, a yearly tradition. I ended up seeing Sluj and Bob perform that day, which was quite good! The story, though, involves Velma, your sales booth attendant. I wandered over to buy the DVDs on sale and after seeing my interest in the disc featuring you (and remembering your performances in the past), offered me two free tickets to come back, with the promise that you would be performing with Bob for the final weekend. I did use the tickets on a return journey, mostly to watch you perform again, and it was a pleasure to see.
I wanted to relate the story, because she was nice enough to give me Comp tickets just to see you perform for the last weekend. Kindness like that is rare, and I feel fortunate to have been the lucky one that day.
Thank you,
-Sean

Bob sez:
That's Velma [not her real name] for you, generous to a fault. She get's that from me. Thanks for the letter. d.b.
p.s.: smuj says uh....mblgoop...flem...zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Date: 03/21/09 Subject: The Arizona Renaissance Festival
Hi Ded and Smuj,
We were at the Arizona Renaissance Festival two weeks ago, and wanted to thank you for a great show. We have been coming to the Festival for 14 years, in costume of course, and just love it. If there was just some way to live there, life would be perfect.
This year was my first visit with my new digital SLR camera, and I was in hog heaven. I did go a little crazy, taking 10 mb of pictures (650 images), but with all the great performers, like you, jousting, the vendors, games and everything else, I just couldn't help myself. I'm already looking forward to next year.
If you want to see some of the pictures I took, which includes you, head on over to my blog - I also have a link to your website by your photograph.
Thank you for making the Ren Faire such a great experience. We look forward to see you again next year.
Have Fun,
-Jeff and Linda-Ann
http://www.TheCreativesCorner.com

Bob sez:
Excellent Shots...especially liked the one of Adam Crack. I'll post this message on my site, and people can follow the links, if that's o.k. d.b.

Date: 02/27/09 Subject: myspace
Hey Bob I would like to have you as a myspace friend how do I find you
-Kathy

Bob sez:
Sheesh...I haven't checked my myspace page in ages...I've mostly gotten off of all those kinds of websites...too distracting. If you send a "letter to Bob", I'll type back a snappy, astoundingly clever response, and it will be available for all to see for as long as the Ded Bob website exists. d.b.

Date: 02/24/09 Subject: Mr. Ded Bob Say it aint so!
Being the avid Bob Zombie that I am, and have been for many an eon, I visit your very classy and colorful (cough cough) web site occasionally throughout the year even when you are not in town just to see what is going on in the Ded world. So here I sit reading that you are putting Smuj out to stud.........yeah who are we kidding.....Anyway I digress. Being as how you and Smuj are the versions of the Ded Bob show I have watched for some ten years now, and the original Ded Bob performers I must officially protest.
You got your imbecile democratic idiot of a buffoon president now, why not relax and enjoy the next 30 years of misery and suffering he will cause taxing you and the dusty fruit of your loins for generations to come. Rejoice aloud on stage as the dollars that once filled your bags now stay firmly in everyone's pockets, wallets, and purses causing you to pretty much do your show for free..........Oh God I'm making the case for you to retire.......OK so I am no lawyer, scratch everything I just said.....
At least do your MORE THEN LOYAL Texas Renn Fest fans the honor of performing there. Retire Smuj the rest of the year for all I care, but it just would not be the same without him, even as smelly and gagly ugly as he is. Besides the mighty breastiseees that are everywhere to be seen at the Ren Fest, you are the only other reason I go!
Turn coat into a republican and think about all the STIMULUS PACKAGE jokes you could do!!!!! Yeah baby I'd like to stimulate your package.....Yeah I know that will never happen cuz of ole George boy.....
OK groveling on my knees.....Please don't kill Smuj.....
You're loyal Bob Zombie,
-Trent L. Smith

Bob sez:
So much blather, and so little time.
smuj is *SEMI*-retired. He's still doing the Michigan and Texas shows, and in all probability he will be doing Scarborough Faire [near Dallas] next year [2010] As for Obama, imbecile, he's not. And considering the turds-for-brains asshole who just moved back to Crawford Texas, relatively speaking, we've taken a giant leap up the evolutionary scale. Having said that, it makes little or no difference whether there is a Demlican or a Repugnocrat occupying the White House, either way, America is Israel's bitch. The world is doomed no matter which capitalist pig is in charge.
If I had my way, there'd be dead Rockefellers, Kissingers, Cheneys, Rothschilds, DuPonts, Bushes, bankers, weapons-dealers, fossil-fuel-industrialists etc from here to China. d.b.

Date: 01/18/09 Subject: Dear Ded Bob
Dear Ded Bob,
I grew up going to TRF every fall and for many years my father and I watched your show facinated and laughing till it hurt. I managed to fool management into hiring me on the performance company for three years and rarely missed a show, and those missed were due to wenches. Honest. The Navy threw me into a submarine for five years after that and I've been stuck in Cali-fuckin-fornia with few chances to travel back home. Visiting your site has reminded me the down-to-earth zombie values and driven home the point that I need to come back to Texas and Ren Faire and be a fathful zombie once again. Thanks for the memories, see you in October.
Still laughing years later,
-Charles

Bob sez:
Copious Condolences for getting scooped up into amerika's wars for profit. Believe it or not, smuj once puked his way across the great waters on the u.s.s. macdonough. Lucky for him, the vietnam debacle was freshly over, and the nation was not in the mood for any more stupid planet fk'ng for a while, so he came out unscathed...other than wasting three years working for a'holes.
Welcome back, d.b.

Wanna email Ded Bob? He'll get back to you as soon as humanly possible. If you're lucky, maybe even sooner.